Lonely and Alone Are not the Same Thing

It is possible, as we all know, to be in a crowded room and yet to feel lonely. Lonely is a state of mind, a state of disconnect. Those who have never felt listened to can feel lonely.

On the other hand, it is possible to be alone and not feel lonely. As a writer, I constantly have ideas, characters and factious conversations running around in my head. I spend most of my time alone, and yet I do not often feel lonely. When I feel lonely, I have the capacity to reach out to people and connect.

As we age, many of us find loneliness a problem. There is no longer a job to go to, children are grown and living their own busy lives. Our purpose in life appears to have flown out the window.

Lonely and  alone, there is a difference.

Photo Credit J.C. Munt

 One of my friends here in Oaxaca told me over lunch a while back that the reason she likes living in Oaxaca is because she is amongst people who understand, who share similar experiences. We were talking about what we will do when we can no long function on our own, if by chance we do not die before this happens. The average age of people from north of the border deciding to resettle in Mexico is 65. My friend is 20 years older than I.

Loneliness causes death.  A New York Times blog reported on a six-year study of 1,604 people over the age of 65. 43% reported feeling lonely, 13% often felt lonely while 30% experienced loneliness sometimes. 62.5% of those who reported loneliness were married.

By the end of the six-year study, 24.8% of those reporting loneliness had difficulty with daily activities, such as dressing, bathing and preparing meals, as opposed to 12.5% of those who did not report loneliness.

With more and more people choosing to live happily alone, perhaps it is time for us to reexamine social supports, because it is our social supports that play a large role in our health and well-being. Social supports may not always be family or a spouse.

The first step is to engage in purposeful life, a retirement career if you will, a reason to greet the morning. Then, become involved in a social network of like-minded souls, people engaged in living. Find your "tribe."

Many who converge in retirement communities south of the border have found their tribe and do not feel lonely.

Living Single - a fast growing worldwide trend

Ah -- the single life -- to be free to explore the unknown.

Five dwellings:  Statistically, two of
these dwellings are occupied by only
one person.

I write professionally on a website called Suite 101.  Over the last couple of days, I've been researching a phenomena unique in the entire history of the world.  Yes, it's a huge worldwide trend.  More and more people, indeed, almost 50% of us living in rich nations, have chosen to live alone.  Furthermore, the countries with the fastest growing number of singles living alone, China, India and Brazil are, not coincidentally, also the fastest growing countries economically.

All Virginia Wolfe wanted was a room of her own.  It appears that many of us, indeed, perhaps a majority of us, if we can afford it, want a home of our own.

The old idea that only elderly people, spinsters and losers live alone and socially isolated is dead.  Evidence indicates that people who live alone are more socially engaged than those who are married.

The way I see it, if you have a spouse, you have a built in social partner. Possibly, you could become dependent on that person for all of your social outlets.  Therefore, you’re not forced out of your cocoon, because your trusty partner is always there.  Whether it's a movie night or a trip to Italy, you have someone to go with you.  That is, provided they'll go.

As a single person, I have two options, find someone to go with me, or go it alone.  For me, when I'm with another person I automatically make compromises.  It's easy  compromise because  I spend so much time alone, and compromise isn't necessary.

There have been times when someone has said to me, "You do what you want to do," as if doing what I want to do was wrong, selfish, or sinful.  Can it be sour grapes?

One final point, there's no one size fits all.  I have couple friends who live well and independent of each other in the nicest of ways.  That's the sort of relationship I could handle.  Then there are those who constantly bicker, angry, it seems, because the other person isn't who they want them to be.  Yet, they're afraid to strike out on their own.  That kind of living together I could do without.